Time seems to be passing by in a blur at the moment! Where has the last week gone?
I spent the weekend, after my post on Saturday morning, pretending not to be diabetic… I have come to the conclusion that micro-managing my blood sugars doesn’t provide the answers so I thought I would try the opposite: letting go of the reins slightly. Turns out that’s not the way to do it either!
I’m sure not everyone with diabetes struggles to the extent I do. But I can never work out why I do. Sometimes I think it’s a personality flaw; like I said above, trying to control it so tightly that it’s impossible to control it at all Other times I think it’s my career choice. What makes teaching such a great job is the fact that no two days are ever the same. Unfortunately that has dire consequences for me in terms of my diabetes. I’ve often thought about trading it in for a more sedentary, more predictable, daily grind and while I know that it wouldn’t keep me on my toes I can’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe, my health is more important? Yet other times still I think it’s just the way it is: maybe my body just won’t do what it’s told. I am an Arian after all and I whole heartedly second Bette Davis (a fellow Arian) when she said, “I don’t wish to be told what to do.” And, I guess, that takes me full circle, back to that good old personality flaw…
So as I said, I spent the duration of the weekend burying my head in the sand, as I genuinely think is sometimes called for. I can’t recall my BG levels (although I did test and take my insulin; unfortunately I have to do these even when in denial!) but I’m pretty sure they weren’t pretty. I had one too many beers on Saturday evening and got a McDonalds on the way home (why oh why are they 24 hour here?!) although I did only eat half of it as on my return from a toilet trip my Shanghai McChicken Burger had mysteriously disappeared…
Today my BG levels have actually been ok. I’m still at a loss as to my overnight levels though: on Monday night I woke up at 5am mid-hypo, a sure-fire sign that my overnight basal dose is too high. This morning I woke up with NG levels that were also too high. Not ketone high but high enough not to be good. So this poses the same question again: am I hypoing in the night? More 3am testing is the only answer.
I came home today after school with intentions of going to the gym. I made an executive decision not to test before I went. Only because I find it very easy to talk myself out of exercising. Although writing it down now does make me realise this is not really a sensible way to do things. I got into the gym, warmed up, ran a little and started feeling very dizzy. I almost made myself carry on as I thought it might be due to high BG levels or even lack of water today, but something made me stop and I’m glad I did: my BG was 54, well within hypo limits. I slowed the treadmill down and drank my juice fully intending to carry on (I was in stubborn I’m-here-and-I-don’t-want-to-be-defeated-by-my-blood-sugars mode) but slowly I realised that continuing would be a very silly idea. I had visions of fainting and the outcomes were not to be entertained. I went back upstairs with my tail between my legs. I will try again tomorrow. If I have the energy after Parents’ Evening that is…
I have been thinking over the last few days about the effect writing this blog has had so far. I can only think of the positives. So far I don’t feel under pressure to write (even though tonight’s post is feeling a little rushed; I’m absolutely exhausted!) and writing things down is having a somewhat cathartic effect on me. Writing things down has always helped, but as I said in my first post, I’m not sure my writing outlets have always been healthy ones…. Also I have had so many positive comments, online and in person, from people who have read my posts. If I can make more people aware of diabetes (although I hope not in a negative way, I wouldn’t want people to think that diabetics need constant sympathy or monitoring – even though I think, maybe, that is the way my posts make it seem!!) then I feel I have done something worthwhile in my writing. And finally, the communications channels that have opened up as a result make it worth it on their own. Having honest, meaningful discussions with people I know helps me no end. And I’m not sure that I would be able to start those without this.
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